Being betrayed is traumatic enough... but being blamed for their choices and their betrayal as well as shamed for the intense pain their infidelity caused you only intensifies the agony you are feeling...
You find out they have been unfaithful.
1) You ask for answers.
2) You cry
3) You pray
4) You ask yourself why
5) You replay a thousand scenarios in your head of the two of them together
6) You try to understand how this happened
7) You replay all the times you felt something was off but didn’t speak up
8) You wonder how someone you love could possibly hurt you so deeply
9) You question what you did wrong
And then you hear...
1) “You weren’t giving me the attention I deserve. If you would have been a better partner, I wouldn’t have needed someone else.”
2) “You’re overreacting, it didn’t mean anything.”
3) “You should be ashamed that I’m not attracted to you anymore.”
4) “It's your fault, you have been pulling away for a long-time.”
5) “You are always so angry… I wanted someone who wanted me and appreciated me.”
6) “All you care about is yourself… you never care about what I need.”
7) “You were never there for me.”
8) “You couldn’t satisfy me.”
9) “I deserve to be happy, and you haven’t made me happy in a long-time.”
Not only are you dealing with the TRUTH and excruciating pain of the betrayal... but now instead of them taking accountability or offering a sincere apology, you are being attacked and told that you are the reason for their betrayal and that your pain is your fault. You are the problem.
What do blame and humiliation mean here?
1) Blame means making you responsible for their decision to lie, cheat, or mistreat you.
2) Humiliation means putting you down in ways that attack your dignity and self-worth... mocking your pain and tears, insulting your appearance, or telling you can’t please them the way this other person can.
The [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/) identifies humiliation, insults, and blaming a partner for abusive behavior as signs of emotional abuse.
Here is what that can look like...
1) They make their cheating your fault.
You ask why they had an affair.
They answer, “You were always too busy or tired. I have needs, what did you expect me to do?”
You begin replaying every evening you were tired, every unfinished conversation, every time you needed rest. You wonder whether doing more would have prevented the betrayal.
2) Problems in a relationship do not make you responsible for a partner’s decision to cheat.
They use comparisons to make you feel inadequate.
They compare your body, age, personality, or sex life with the other person.
“They actually make an effort. You’ve let yourself go.”
“They know how to please me in ways you never could.”
Later, you stand in front of the mirror hearing those words again and again. Getting dressed becomes painful. You start wondering what you need to change about yourself so that your partner is attracted to you and you are worthy of their affection.
Your appearance does not make you responsible for their choices. You do not have to compete for basic respect.
3) They shame you for being hurt.
You cry while trying to talk about what happened.
They roll their eyes, they yell at you for crying and overreacting, they belittle you, imitate your voice, or say, “Here comes the poor me conversation again.”
The next time you feel tears coming, you swallow them. You may wait until you are alone to let yourself feel anything. You hide in a closet to cry so they can’t see you or hear you.
Being mocked for your pain can teach you to hide it ... even when you need comfort and support.
4) They turn you into the joke.
At dinner with friends, they say, “You’d understand why I wanted someone else if you had to live with this.”
People laugh awkwardly. You force a smile because you do not want the evening to get worse.
Later, they tell you, “Learn to take a joke.”
You may begin dreading gatherings, wondering what they will reveal or say about you next or wondering if you have the energy to hide your pain and pretend life is perfect.
Laughing along to get through the moment does not mean you were okay with being humiliated.
5) They blame you for disclosing your pain to someone you trust because you are so overwhelmed and dying inside.
You tell a trusted person because you are so devastated and can no longer carry this weight alone.
Your partner says, “You’re destroying this family by telling people.”
You begin worrying more about protecting your partner’s reputation than getting the support you desperately need.
Seeking support did not cause the betrayal. You are allowed to talk about what is happening to you.
6) The harm can continue after the conversation ends ...
You start apologizing before you ask a question.
You spend more time watching your partner’s mood than noticing your own needs.
You may avoid family and friends because you are embarrassed... or worry they will judge you for either staying or ask what you did to cause your partner’s infidelity.
You may keep trying to become “good enough” to stop the criticism.
Emotional abuse can leave a person feeling ashamed, anxious, unwanted, or afraid of upsetting their partner. These effects can last long beyond the infidelity and can cause enormous trauma.
When blame and humiliation happen repeatedly, you begin speaking to yourself with the same cruelty you have been hearing:
1) “Maybe I am impossible to love.”
2) “Maybe I ask for too much.”
3) “Maybe this what I deserve.”
Those thoughts can reflect how you have been treated. They do not define your worth.
You can acknowledge your own mistakes without accepting responsibility for your partner’s betrayal or abuse. There is no perfect relationship or partner.
A trusted person, counselor, or relationship abuse advocate can help you talk through what happened and consider your options.
You do not have to confront your partner or make an immediate decision about your relationship to receive help. If speaking up could put you at risk, your safety comes first.
TRG’S Core TRUTH ...
1) A partner’s betrayal does not measure your worth, it was their choice and it was not your fault.
2) Your tears do not make you weak.
3) Your questions do not make you difficult.
4) Your need for support does not make you disloyal.
You deserve honesty without insults ... answers without ridicule ... and room to heal without being punished for hurting.
You do not have to earn the right to be treated with dignity.
A partner's infidelity is NOT your fault.
TRG’s posts reflect the Founder's lived experience, memories, perspective, reflections, and documentation, alongside educational information where identified. The scenarios above are illustrative examples. This series is for awareness and encouragement... it does not diagnose anyone or replace professional mental health, medical, or legal advice.
If you are in the U.S. and need confidential support with relationship abuse, call the [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.