TRG'S
PUBLIC BLOG.

The betrayal is excruciating ... being made to question your own reality only deepens that pain.

1) You ask about a message you saw.

2) You ask why their explanation has changed.

3) You bring up something they told you last week.

By the end of the conversation, your questions are still unanswered... and you are wondering whether you should apologize for asking.

1) “Did I read it wrong?”

2) “Maybe they never said that.”

3) “Am I really making something out of nothing?”

When this happens repeatedly, it can become harder to trust yourself... even about things you felt certain of before the conversation began.

GASLIGHTING:

1) Gaslighting is a severe form of psychological manipulation as well as a form of emotional abuse in which the abuser repeatedly denies or twists what happened.

2) Gaslighting makes a survivor doubt their own memory, perception, judgement, or understanding of events.

3) Gaslighting is a core method of coercive control.

4) You will begin relying on the abuser’s explanation because you no longer feel confident in your own.

5) The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes this loss of trust in yourself as a central part of gaslighting.

A missed call, a late reply, or two people remembering a conversation differently does not, by itself, prove infidelity or gaslighting.

The concern is a repeated pattern...

1) Your experiences are denied

2) Your ability to understand them is attacked, and the abuser’s version of events becomes the only reality you are allowed to have.

GASLIGHTING with INFIDELITY can sound like this ...

1) You saw the message.

A message appears on their phone: “I miss you.”

When you ask about it, they say, “It never said that. You always see what you want to see.”

You remember reading the words at first but after being told repeatedly that you misread things or imagined things, you begin questioning yourself.

2) Their story changes.

First, they say they worked late. Later, they mention having dinner with someone.

You ask, “I thought you said you were at work?”

They respond, “I told you about dinner. You never listen. This is why we keep having these problems.”

Now you are trying to remember and prove exactly what you know they told you... while the change in their story goes unexplained and again, you are questioning yourself.

3) A promise disappears.

After a painful conversation, they promise to stop contacting the person involved and stop the betrayal.

When you learn the contact continued, they say, “She contacted me. I didn't contact her.”

The conversation you remember is repeatedly dismissed and again, you are questioning yourself.

4) Your hurt becomes an accusation against you.

You say, “When you called me pathetic for asking, it really hurt.”

They answer, “I never called you that. You twist everything I say to make me look bad.”

You spend the rest of the conversation explaining that you were not trying to make them look bad.

You probably even apologized... while the hurtful remark is never addressed and the pain remains.

5) Other people are used to make you doubt yourself.

You are told, “Everyone knows you exaggerate,” or “Kris only agrees with you because you gave her your made-up version.”

You feel embarrassed about reaching out to one of the only people you trust. You even feel guilty for telling your best friend your TRUTH because maybe you did exaggerate and now you are afraid your best friend will be upset with the abuser.

You begin believing that no one will ever believe you because you aren’t even sure of what you believe anymore and certainly have no confidence in your TRUTH.

Claims about what “everyone” thinks can make you feel completely isolated and alone.

The above are just a few examples of how gaslighting can work within a repeated pattern.

Hurtful words, dishonesty, and blame shifting also deserve attention, even when gaslighting is not the right term.

What this may feel like in everyday life ...

1) You rehearse a simple question while washing the dishes.

2) You rewrite a text several times, hoping to find words they cannot turn against you.

3) Your mind repeatedly replays conversations while trying to fall asleep.

4) You say “I’m sorry” just to bring an exhausting argument to an end.

5) You stop telling a trusted friend what is happening because you feel ashamed that you cannot explain it clearly.

Confusion and self-doubt begin taking over your days.

Trusting someone you loved does not make you foolish.

You may have accepted their explanations because you loved them, hoped they were being honest, or wanted your relationship to be okay.

You are NOT responsible for someone choosing to use that trust against you.

Unfortunately, the GASLIGHTING in my marriage was so severe and my reality so distorted that I finally began recording the events, if I was able to. I would record voice memos on what had just occurred, I made video recordings, took notes in my phone, my calendar, took screenshots, or would write it down so when my ex tried to distort my reality with his gaslighting, hopefully I had the incident documented. However, this type of necessity to document everything became an obsession, which is the only reason I have the clarity and confidence to bring my experience to others through Truth. Resilience. Grace.

However, I still am unable to trust my recollection of events in my life, so I continue to document everything. I only feel safe if every move I make is documented and I share my location with my Best Friend, so she knows where I am always.

If you feel the need to document what is happening, please ensure it is safe to do so and that your abuser does not have access to your notes, recordings, videos, etc.

You do not need a collection of evidence to ask for help.

My TRUTH was so distorted that I truly believed no one would ever believe me without evidence, especially when I could not even trust myself.

TRG’S Core TRUTH...

1) Your questions deserve a respectful and truthful response.

2) You do not have to remember every detail perfectly to deserve honesty.

3) Someone saying something with confidence does not automatically make it true.

4) You deserve time, support, and kindness as you rebuild trust in yourself ... on your own terms.

The power of gaslighting is agonizing to a survivor. Please offer yourself GRACE while you are healing and learning to trust yourself again, it is a process and takes time and effort to recover from intense gaslighting.

You are NOT alone.

TRG’s posts reflect the Founder's lived experience, memories, perspective, reflections, and documentation, alongside educational information where identified. The scenarios above are illustrative examples. This series is for awareness and encouragement... it does not diagnose anyone or replace professional mental health, medical, or legal advice.

If you are in the U.S. and need confidential support with relationship abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

1) Infidelity is a choice.

2) Abuse is a pattern of behavior used to manipulate, degrade, intimidate, deceive, punish, or control another person.

3) When those two things intersect... and infidelity is accompanied by manipulation, gaslighting, humiliation, threats, deception, or control...IT IS ABUSE.

For most, the pain and suffering reach far beyond discovering the infidelity and the deepest wound isn’t the betrayal, itself:

1) It’s being lied to while you already know something is wrong or you know the TRUTH.

2) Being told you’re “crazy” for asking questions.

3) Being blamed for their choices.

4) Having evidence denied when you put the TRUTH right in front of the abuser.

5) Being compared to someone else to make you feel inadequate.

6) Having affection withheld as punishment.

7) Being exposed to sexual-health or financial risks without your knowledge.

It lives in the conversations you continuously replay in your mind...

The questions that went unanswered...

The moments you were told it was all in your head...

The moments your intuition told you something was off but you ignored it, because you no longer trusted yourself due to the gaslighting and abuse.

It lives in realizing that you were living a lie and making decisions and plans for a life and future that wasn’t real because a person you loved and trusted was deliberately and purposely living a double life without your knowledge.

When the truth is withheld from you, your choices are no longer yours. You may not realize it at the time, but the abuser has complete control over you and your life at that point.

Your reality is not real based solely on your partner’s choices.

Infidelity is ABUSE when it intersects with a pattern of manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, lies, or control.

Understanding the harm means looking at what happened... how you were treated... and whether you were free to question, disagree, and make choices that were in your best interest and based on TRUTH.

Consider what surrounded the betrayal:

• Gaslighting... Repeatedly denying or distorting events to make you distrust your memory and perception.

• Blame & Humiliation... Making you responsible for their choices, comparing you to someone else, or degrading you for being hurt.

• Threats & Control... Using fear, retaliation, money, or threats of loss to silence your questions or restrict your choices

• Hidden Risks... Concealing information that may affect your health, shared finances, or decisions about the relationship.

I was lied to repeatedly, I endured intense gaslighting for years, I was blamed, I was humiliated and told that this one particular woman had a “magical ….”, I was told these women could do these certain things that brought my ex so much pleasure, I was repeatedly told by me ex that if I left, “I (my ex) WILL BURN IT ALL DOWN”, and unfortunately, HIS choices impacted my health, finances, etc.

These behaviors demonstrate an abusive pattern, and you need to be aware that this type of treatment is extremely harmful to your well-being and safety.

Hiding information that affects your health, shared resources, or understanding of the relationship you have agreed to is unacceptable, toxic, and destructive.

Relationship difficulties do not excuse deception.

A relationship can be strained. Both people can have things to work on. Someone can feel lonely, unhappy, or disconnected.

Those feelings deserve an honest conversation. They do NOT make you responsible for a decision your partner willingly made to lie and betray you.

Your trauma and pain do not need a physical injury to be abuse.

Being repeatedly frightened, degraded, or made to doubt yourself matters. So does grieving the trust, memories, and future you believed you shared.

You are allowed to name what hurt you.

You are allowed to ask for support.

You are allowed to take time before deciding what comes next.

You do not owe anyone an explanation about your relationship, your choices, or your healing.

TRG’S Core TRUTH...

1) You deserve honesty and TRUTH... ALWAYS.

2) You deserve to know and understand what is happening in your relationship.

3) You deserve the freedom to make your own decisions about your life and future based on the TRUTH.

Being betrayed most likely will have you questioning far more than the relationship...

You may begin questioning your memory, intuition, judgment, body, worth, and even YOUR TRUTH.

YOUR PAIN is REAL but YOU are NOT ALONE.

Love,

-Farah, Founder of TRUTH. RESILIENCE. GRACE.

Dissociation has been, and continues to be, one of the ways my mind responds to overwhelming stress and trauma. It creates a sense of disconnection from your thoughts, feelings, memories, physical sensations, or the world around you...a way your mind may try to protect you when what you are experiencing feels like too much to process.

In my conversations with other survivors, I have heard this experience described again and again...often by people who did not realize there was a name for what they were experiencing.

I will share one particular experience from January 2022...even though much of what happened is missing from my own memory.

I remember being on the witness stand during a divorce proceeding while my ex's attorney, Hal Brockett was yelling at me. He had access to my medical records so his yelling was an intentional attempt to trigger me, which it most certainly did. I remember lowering my head, closing my eyes, and trying to take deep breaths...while Hal continued to yell and I remember his yelling became more muffled as I became more overwhelmed...my body responded automatically, and I completely dissociated.

My own recollection is limited to the moments leading up to that disconnection. The events that followed were later explained to me by my family and attorney.

I was told that when I lifted my head, I appeared confused. I stood up, fell into the bailiff, and struggled to breathe. An ambulance was called. As my family later explained, I accepted treatment from EMS at the courthouse but refused transportation to the hospital because Judge Bobo would not stop the hearing.

According to their account, the hearing continued without me while I received treatment. Once my oxygen levels improved and I was able to reconnect with the present, I was put back on the witness stand.

I do not remember that part of the hearing. I do not remember returning to the stand after EMS treated me.

It took days before I felt able to sit down with my family and hear what had happened. Even discussing it meant revisiting something deeply distressing. To this day, what I know about those moments comes from what I have been told...not from memories that have returned.

Dissociation is frightening, especially when you do not understand what is happening or how to gently reconnect with the present. I experienced it for years before learning coping tools to help me navigate those moments.

Dissociation happens automatically...it is not a personal failure or a sign of weakness.

You are not able to choose when it happens or simply will it to stop. But with understanding, support, and coping strategies that work for you, it is possible to learn ways to manage those moments and gently return your attention to the present. A mental health professional familiar with trauma and dissociation can help you find those tools.

Give yourself GRACE as you learn. Please do not force yourself through these moments. You deserve patience, compassion, and support...in your own time and on your own terms.

Sometimes, the wounds of emotional abuse show up in the way you begin treating yourself.

You question your judgment. You doubt your worth. You wonder whether your feelings are valid...or whether you are even allowed to have them. Emotional abuse can gradually undermine your confidence and your ability to trust your own perspective.

TRG's graphic, “8 Ways Emotional Abuse Can Affect You,” brings attention to experiences many survivors struggle to put into words:

• Feeling constantly on guard.

• Living with persistent self-doubt.

• Feeling emotionally numb.

• Apologizing automatically.

• Hiding your needs.

• Losing touch with yourself.

• Feeling distressed by reminders of what happened.

• People-pleasing, even at your own expense.

Perhaps you recognize the automatic “I’m sorry.”

The needs you leave unspoken.

The moment someone asks what you want and you realize you have spent so long considering everyone else that you no longer know your own answer.

If you recognize yourself here, please meet that recognition with compassion.

You did not deserve the abuse.

Having needs does not make you difficult.

Another person’s treatment of you does not determine your worth.

Every survivor’s experience is different, and these patterns can have other causes, too.

This graphic offers understanding; it cannot diagnose your experience.

You deserve support as you rediscover your preferences, rebuild trust in your judgment, and make room for your own voice.

You can take that process at a pace that feels safe and manageable for you.

At Truth. Resilience. Grace., you do not have to share your story publicly for your pain to matter.

Your TRUTH deserves to be heard. Your RESILIENCE deserves recognition. Your healing deserves GRACE.

Mental abuse leaves wounds that no one else can see.

Mental abuse, often called emotional or psychological abuse, involves manipulation, humiliation, threats, isolation, and repeated efforts to undermine someone’s confidence and independence. It may include denying events to make someone question their memory, blaming them for the mistreatment they receive, or using affection and attention as tools of control.

Over time, these behaviors will tear down a survivor's self-worth and their ability to trust in their own judgment. A survivor may begin second-guessing their decisions, minimizing their pain, or believing they are responsible for keeping the other person from becoming angry. Abuse does not have to become physical to be serious or deserving of support.

Imagine carefully rehearsing a simple question because you are afraid of the response. Apologizing just to bring an argument to an end. Having something deeply hurtful said to you, then being mocked for feeling hurt. These are experiences that deserve to be heard with compassion...not dismissed because there are no visible injuries.

No one should have to surrender their dignity to keep peace in a relationship.

If you recognize your experience in these words, you deserve a safe-space to speak honestly and support that respects your choices. You do not have to explain everything perfectly for your pain to matter. Loving someone, hoping they would change, or struggling to decide what comes next does not make you responsible for their abusive behavior.

At Truth. Resilience. Grace., we believe every survivor deserves to feel heard, believed, and treated with dignity. That includes people of every gender.

You deserve the freedom to speak without humiliation, make decisions without intimidation, and feel safe being yourself.

Your TRUTH deserves to be heard. Your RESILIENCE deserves recognition. And you deserve GRACE as you find your way forward.

For support with relationship abuse in the United States, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org. Advocates can help you explore your options and plan for safety.