The betrayal is excruciating ... being made to question your own reality only deepens that pain.
1) You ask about a message you saw.
2) You ask why their explanation has changed.
3) You bring up something they told you last week.
By the end of the conversation, your questions are still unanswered... and you are wondering whether you should apologize for asking.
1) “Did I read it wrong?”
2) “Maybe they never said that.”
3) “Am I really making something out of nothing?”
When this happens repeatedly, it can become harder to trust yourself... even about things you felt certain of before the conversation began.
GASLIGHTING:
1) Gaslighting is a severe form of psychological manipulation as well as a form of emotional abuse in which the abuser repeatedly denies or twists what happened.
2) Gaslighting makes a survivor doubt their own memory, perception, judgement, or understanding of events.
3) Gaslighting is a core method of coercive control.
4) You will begin relying on the abuser’s explanation because you no longer feel confident in your own.
5) The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes this loss of trust in yourself as a central part of gaslighting.
A missed call, a late reply, or two people remembering a conversation differently does not, by itself, prove infidelity or gaslighting.
The concern is a repeated pattern...
1) Your experiences are denied
2) Your ability to understand them is attacked, and the abuser’s version of events becomes the only reality you are allowed to have.
GASLIGHTING with INFIDELITY can sound like this ...
1) You saw the message.
A message appears on their phone: “I miss you.”
When you ask about it, they say, “It never said that. You always see what you want to see.”
You remember reading the words at first but after being told repeatedly that you misread things or imagined things, you begin questioning yourself.
2) Their story changes.
First, they say they worked late. Later, they mention having dinner with someone.
You ask, “I thought you said you were at work?”
They respond, “I told you about dinner. You never listen. This is why we keep having these problems.”
Now you are trying to remember and prove exactly what you know they told you... while the change in their story goes unexplained and again, you are questioning yourself.
3) A promise disappears.
After a painful conversation, they promise to stop contacting the person involved and stop the betrayal.
When you learn the contact continued, they say, “She contacted me. I didn't contact her.”
The conversation you remember is repeatedly dismissed and again, you are questioning yourself.
4) Your hurt becomes an accusation against you.
You say, “When you called me pathetic for asking, it really hurt.”
They answer, “I never called you that. You twist everything I say to make me look bad.”
You spend the rest of the conversation explaining that you were not trying to make them look bad.
You probably even apologized... while the hurtful remark is never addressed and the pain remains.
5) Other people are used to make you doubt yourself.
You are told, “Everyone knows you exaggerate,” or “Kris only agrees with you because you gave her your made-up version.”
You feel embarrassed about reaching out to one of the only people you trust. You even feel guilty for telling your best friend your TRUTH because maybe you did exaggerate and now you are afraid your best friend will be upset with the abuser.
You begin believing that no one will ever believe you because you aren’t even sure of what you believe anymore and certainly have no confidence in your TRUTH.
Claims about what “everyone” thinks can make you feel completely isolated and alone.
The above are just a few examples of how gaslighting can work within a repeated pattern.
Hurtful words, dishonesty, and blame shifting also deserve attention, even when gaslighting is not the right term.
What this may feel like in everyday life ...
1) You rehearse a simple question while washing the dishes.
2) You rewrite a text several times, hoping to find words they cannot turn against you.
3) Your mind repeatedly replays conversations while trying to fall asleep.
4) You say “I’m sorry” just to bring an exhausting argument to an end.
5) You stop telling a trusted friend what is happening because you feel ashamed that you cannot explain it clearly.
Confusion and self-doubt begin taking over your days.
Trusting someone you loved does not make you foolish.
You may have accepted their explanations because you loved them, hoped they were being honest, or wanted your relationship to be okay.
You are NOT responsible for someone choosing to use that trust against you.
Unfortunately, the GASLIGHTING in my marriage was so severe and my reality so distorted that I finally began recording the events, if I was able to. I would record voice memos on what had just occurred, I made video recordings, took notes in my phone, my calendar, took screenshots, or would write it down so when my ex tried to distort my reality with his gaslighting, hopefully I had the incident documented. However, this type of necessity to document everything became an obsession, which is the only reason I have the clarity and confidence to bring my experience to others through Truth. Resilience. Grace.
However, I still am unable to trust my recollection of events in my life, so I continue to document everything. I only feel safe if every move I make is documented and I share my location with my Best Friend, so she knows where I am always.
If you feel the need to document what is happening, please ensure it is safe to do so and that your abuser does not have access to your notes, recordings, videos, etc.
You do not need a collection of evidence to ask for help.
My TRUTH was so distorted that I truly believed no one would ever believe me without evidence, especially when I could not even trust myself.
TRG’S Core TRUTH...
1) Your questions deserve a respectful and truthful response.
2) You do not have to remember every detail perfectly to deserve honesty.
3) Someone saying something with confidence does not automatically make it true.
4) You deserve time, support, and kindness as you rebuild trust in yourself ... on your own terms.
The power of gaslighting is agonizing to a survivor. Please offer yourself GRACE while you are healing and learning to trust yourself again, it is a process and takes time and effort to recover from intense gaslighting.
You are NOT alone.
TRG’s posts reflect the Founder's lived experience, memories, perspective, reflections, and documentation, alongside educational information where identified. The scenarios above are illustrative examples. This series is for awareness and encouragement... it does not diagnose anyone or replace professional mental health, medical, or legal advice.
If you are in the U.S. and need confidential support with relationship abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.