1) Infidelity is a choice.
2) Abuse is a pattern of behavior used to manipulate, degrade, intimidate, deceive, punish, or control another person.
3) When those two things intersect... and infidelity is accompanied by manipulation, gaslighting, humiliation, threats, deception, or control...IT IS ABUSE.
For most, the pain and suffering reach far beyond discovering the infidelity and the deepest wound isn’t the betrayal, itself:
1) It’s being lied to while you already know something is wrong or you know the TRUTH.
2) Being told you’re “crazy” for asking questions.
3) Being blamed for their choices.
4) Having evidence denied when you put the TRUTH right in front of the abuser.
5) Being compared to someone else to make you feel inadequate.
6) Having affection withheld as punishment.
7) Being exposed to sexual-health or financial risks without your knowledge.
It lives in the conversations you continuously replay in your mind...
The questions that went unanswered...
The moments you were told it was all in your head...
The moments your intuition told you something was off but you ignored it, because you no longer trusted yourself due to the gaslighting and abuse.
It lives in realizing that you were living a lie and making decisions and plans for a life and future that wasn’t real because a person you loved and trusted was deliberately and purposely living a double life without your knowledge.
When the truth is withheld from you, your choices are no longer yours. You may not realize it at the time, but the abuser has complete control over you and your life at that point.
Your reality is not real based solely on your partner’s choices.
Infidelity is ABUSE when it intersects with a pattern of manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, lies, or control.
Understanding the harm means looking at what happened... how you were treated... and whether you were free to question, disagree, and make choices that were in your best interest and based on TRUTH.
Consider what surrounded the betrayal:
• Gaslighting... Repeatedly denying or distorting events to make you distrust your memory and perception.
• Blame & Humiliation... Making you responsible for their choices, comparing you to someone else, or degrading you for being hurt.
• Threats & Control... Using fear, retaliation, money, or threats of loss to silence your questions or restrict your choices
• Hidden Risks... Concealing information that may affect your health, shared finances, or decisions about the relationship.
I was lied to repeatedly, I endured intense gaslighting for years, I was blamed, I was humiliated and told that this one particular woman had a “magical ….”, I was told these women could do these certain things that brought my ex so much pleasure, I was repeatedly told by me ex that if I left, “I (my ex) WILL BURN IT ALL DOWN”, and unfortunately, HIS choices impacted my health, finances, etc.
These behaviors demonstrate an abusive pattern, and you need to be aware that this type of treatment is extremely harmful to your well-being and safety.
Hiding information that affects your health, shared resources, or understanding of the relationship you have agreed to is unacceptable, toxic, and destructive.
Relationship difficulties do not excuse deception.
A relationship can be strained. Both people can have things to work on. Someone can feel lonely, unhappy, or disconnected.
Those feelings deserve an honest conversation. They do NOT make you responsible for a decision your partner willingly made to lie and betray you.
Your trauma and pain do not need a physical injury to be abuse.
Being repeatedly frightened, degraded, or made to doubt yourself matters. So does grieving the trust, memories, and future you believed you shared.
You are allowed to name what hurt you.
You are allowed to ask for support.
You are allowed to take time before deciding what comes next.
You do not owe anyone an explanation about your relationship, your choices, or your healing.
TRG’S Core TRUTH...
1) You deserve honesty and TRUTH... ALWAYS.
2) You deserve to know and understand what is happening in your relationship.
3) You deserve the freedom to make your own decisions about your life and future based on the TRUTH.