Dissociation has been, and continues to be, one of the ways my mind responds to overwhelming stress and trauma. It creates a sense of disconnection from your thoughts, feelings, memories, physical sensations, or the world around you...a way your mind may try to protect you when what you are experiencing feels like too much to process.
In my conversations with other survivors, I have heard this experience described again and again...often by people who did not realize there was a name for what they were experiencing.
I will share one particular experience from January 2022...even though much of what happened is missing from my own memory.
I remember being on the witness stand during a divorce proceeding while my ex's attorney, Hal Brockett was yelling at me. He had access to my medical records so his yelling was an intentional attempt to trigger me, which it most certainly did. I remember lowering my head, closing my eyes, and trying to take deep breaths...while Hal continued to yell and I remember his yelling became more muffled as I became more overwhelmed...my body responded automatically, and I completely dissociated.
My own recollection is limited to the moments leading up to that disconnection. The events that followed were later explained to me by my family and attorney.
I was told that when I lifted my head, I appeared confused. I stood up, fell into the bailiff, and struggled to breathe. An ambulance was called. As my family later explained, I accepted treatment from EMS at the courthouse but refused transportation to the hospital because Judge Bobo would not stop the hearing.
According to their account, the hearing continued without me while I received treatment. Once my oxygen levels improved and I was able to reconnect with the present, I was put back on the witness stand.
I do not remember that part of the hearing. I do not remember returning to the stand after EMS treated me.
It took days before I felt able to sit down with my family and hear what had happened. Even discussing it meant revisiting something deeply distressing. To this day, what I know about those moments comes from what I have been told...not from memories that have returned.
Dissociation is frightening, especially when you do not understand what is happening or how to gently reconnect with the present. I experienced it for years before learning coping tools to help me navigate those moments.
Dissociation happens automatically...it is not a personal failure or a sign of weakness.
You are not able to choose when it happens or simply will it to stop. But with understanding, support, and coping strategies that work for you, it is possible to learn ways to manage those moments and gently return your attention to the present. A mental health professional familiar with trauma and dissociation can help you find those tools.
Give yourself GRACE as you learn. Please do not force yourself through these moments. You deserve patience, compassion, and support...in your own time and on your own terms.