Today... All I Can Do is Breathe

The past several weeks have been so very difficult. I feel frozen… numb… yet somehow completely shattered at the same time.

Since Jep was released from the hospital, we have been at the vet at least once a week. Each visit brings a little spark of hope… but sometimes that hope lasts only a moment before the fear of what may be coming consumes me again.

Today, we received a referral to a cardiologist in Dallas as our last option. Their earliest appointment is November 4th. I accepted it, and we are on their waiting list… but the truth is, I am afraid we may not have that many days left together.

My sweet baby boy, who once wanted nothing more than to be in my arms, has started hiding and spending time by himself. As I write this, he is not in my lap or curled up beside me. That absence hurts in a way I cannot explain.

I do not want to be selfish and as desperately as I want more time, I do not want that time at the expense of his comfort. If his suffering cannot be relieved, I will make the decision he needs me to make. I am his mommy… and doing what is best for him will always come first.

But knowing what love may require of me does not mean I feel strong enough to face it.

He was diagnosed with heart failure in June 2024. At the time, the doctor told us we might have anywhere from six months to two years. We have been so very blessed to have exceeded that time, and I am beyond grateful… but being grateful for the time we have shared does not make me ready for it to end.

He saved me. His unconditional love helped me through moments I did not know how to survive. He was there on the days I could not get out of bed. He was there during the days and nights I cried in the closet. He was there when I was terrified… when everything felt uncertain… when I did not know how I would keep going. On those days, I knew he needed me and that was enough for me to find my strength.

He is not simply part of my life. He is part of me… and he always will be.

So how do I prepare to live without this piece of my heart? The honest answer is… I have no idea.

I am struggling to function now because I am so afraid of what is coming. I want to be present with him, but my mind and heart keeps taking me to a goodbye I am not ready to say.

Today, I held him close and told him how much I love him… how much I will always love him... through my tears, I told him, “It is okay, my sweet baby boy. You do not have to protect Mommy anymore. If your little body is tired, you can go run and play in heaven. Mommy will love you forever.”

I have no idea what tonight will bring or what tomorrow will ask of me. But I will cherish the moments we have together. I will do my best to give him comfort, always gentleness, and the unconditional love he has given me so freely.

I wish I could hide every bit of my sadness and excruciating heartbreak from him because he feels it. I cannot promise there will be no tears… but I will keep telling him that he is loved unconditionally, how grateful I am for all the joy he has brought me, how he saved me, and that he does not have to keep fighting just for me.

♡

If today you are in a season of grief, fear, or uncertainty, please know you are not alone.

It's okay to just breathe.

Your feelings are valid.

Your love is real.

And you are stronger than you know... even in the moments you feel the most broken.